Blog Question: How do I negotiate the feeling of being uncomfortable?
First, I notice it. Next I sit with raw emotion for a while. Then I try to figure out where it is coming from. Sometimes I discuss it with valued confidants or friends. Mostly, however, it is an internal (inside job) process.
To wit: Shortly after arriving in Upper Volta I encountered an older Voltaique man who greeted me, “Bonjour, patron”. It literally means, “Good day, boss (colonial foreman)”. Yes, he was expressing a common form of respect. He probably used this method of address many times with French agronomes (scientists, managers, bureaucrats, etc.). My Peace Corps training took place at an agricultural station.
As long as I live I will never forget the visceral reaction I had. I probably mumbled back, “Bonjour, monsieur”(“Good day, sir.”). At the time, and to this day, I feel as though I did not warrant or deserve this greeting. Not because I was not a colonialist. In a very real sense I was a neocolonialist invading this elders turf. No, it was because I considered the Voltaique man my teacher, patron, and fount of wisdom. Now it can be argued I was being insensitive to his desire to simply pay respects to my presence as a guest in his country. At best I was insensitive; at worst patronizing.
Whatever was going on in the exchange it was profoundly unsettling. While in Haiti I had at least one experience of feeling a similar level of unease. Frankly it took me a long time to figure out what was going on in the African encounter. By Haiti I was a bit more aware of what made me uncomfortable. Still it remains difficult for me to talk about it. That is what power, privilege, racism, and prejudice are all about. Automatic respect, especially as an “expert”, makes me uncomfortable. Giving respect to older people, greeting them as Ma'am, Sir, Mr., Miss, Master, taking my hat off in public buildings is different. That is what I was taught to do as a child.
Questions of race, cross-cultural sensitivity, basic respect, and imbalances of power, privilege, and prejudice are all involved in this meeting. Paying attention to moments when I feel uncomfortable is essential to growing in unpacking my own tapes and experiences related to prejudice.
David